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In a world where punters are more interested in sanitizer than set times...

05.11.20

2021 Festival FAQs

 

 

2021 Festival FAQs

What a time to be alive. Predicting anything about festivals next year is like herding cats. Whilst there is still so much uncertainty, we had some fun thinking about how future festival FAQs might look.

What is a festival?
Remember back in 2019, those big events where loads of people stand really close to each other and share drinks.
What are the times?
Unprecedented.
Will you be posting set times in advance?
Sorry, we don’t do anything in advance any more.
How do I stay safe at a festival?
Stay alert.
Will there be personal sanitiser refill stations?
Only for key workers, but shots of sani will be served at the bar.
Will there be a merchandise stand?
Yes, we will be selling branded masks and toilet paper (one roll per person).
Do you accept cash?
What’s that?
What am I allowed to bring?
Antibodies and five friends from the same household.
What I am not allowed to bring?
Illegal substances, alcohol (except in the form of sani).
Can I bring my dog?
Is he a good boy?
What happens if I get caught selling flour?
We take the distribution of hoarded items very seriously. If we catch you selling flour, pasta, etc. you will be ejected from the premises and we will feed our sourdough starter.
What if I lose my mask onsite?
Don’t move, drop to the ground and place your face in the dirt. Wait for assistance.
Why is this beer so tasteless?
Report yourself to security immediately.
I make music or art and would like to get involved with the festival. How do I do that?
Do as you’re told and retrain.
How do I work at your festival?
Furlough not available.
Can I sell my ticket?
Please wipe it down first.
Is there a VIP area?
Virus Infected People will not be allowed entry.
If I meet someone attractive and want to exchange details what do I do?
Bring a fiver to the information desk. We have an invasive amount of data stored on everybody.
Should I go to work the Monday after the festival?
Go to work if you can do so safely. DO NOT GO TO WORK.
Will this festival even happen?
If a bear shits in the woods and nobody smells it, did it really happen?

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